Undefeated

I instagrammed this picture of me about a month ago with the caption 

"Just call me...UNDEFEATED." 

This year has been rough. ROUGH. Ups and downs, lefts and backwardses. Yes backwardses. It's been a little tough. But, through it all I've made some discoveries. See the painting below? My sister Erin painted that. It hangs in my room right now, and every time I see it, I just smile. The bottom is dirty and brown and dark. But look at what's growing out of that dark and dirty place. A beautiful simple flower. That's how I've felt several times within the past year. Where darkness and sadness and heartache and everything seemed to be going wrong. I felt like there was no way out, but see that pillar of light shining on the flower? That's the light of Christ. Through all the trials I've gone through this year, I've come to my Savior more than ever in my life. I've knelt at His feet with tears streaming down my cheeks, not being able to breathe, and He's been there. With His strong arms around me holding me close and wiping my tears away with His gentle hands. And with His strength and confidence in me, I've grown in my own confidence, and have found that only through him I am strong. "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (~Philippians 4:13) 

I am this little flower. If I keep looking up to my Father in Heaven and his son Jesus Christ, and keep their light in my eyes, I can grow. 

You're reading my blog, and if you've read it before, you know how much I love music. And music speaks to me. So let's do that.

The song is called "Master the Tempest is Raging."

Listen to this version of it.

The painting below was also done by my sister. Check out her website here.

Here is a little of what she says about it:

"To be quite frank as an artist not all of my art means something to me. There are only a handful of pieces that I feel were truly inspired. This piece is one of them. I was living away from my home county permanently for the first time, I was terribly lonely, I had horrible pregnancy sickness where I literally ate nothing but crackers for two months, school was a horrible monster that stole any shred of optimism left in my system away and my husband and I were so poor we couldn't afford to buy thread so that I could mend a hole in some of his work slacks. I was drowning. 

"But I had learned something years earlier while going through depression that Heavenly Father provides what I termed a "last hope lever." I would pull it when I was in the depths of mental anguish and couldn't survive a moment longer without heavenly intervention. The lever represents the atonement, and during the time I spoke of above I need it desperately. 

"I knew what the waves needed to look like, dangerous, wild, ferocious. The reason I choose the square to represent the Savior and His Atonement instead of a lever is because a square seemed the sturdiest thing to grasp onto. Your grip could slide off of a lever in a storm like that and although traditionally a circle represents divinity in symbolic terms, a circle seemed impossible to keep a hold of. No, a square is solid, it felt safe. 

"The red, of course, represents the atonement. And for me, the seemingly unpredictable lines in the background represent how trials can help build a web of faith that holds your world together through any disaster."

Last year, in the choir I'm in we sang that version of Master the Tempest is Raging. I was going through a really rough patch at the time, and the words just spoke to me.

"Master, with anguish of spirit, I bow in my grief today. The depths of my sad heart are troubled. Oh waken, and save I pray. Torrents of sin and of anguish, sweep o'er my sinking soul, and I perish, I perish dear Master. Oh hasten and take control."

The waves were literally crashing around me, on top of me. I was drowning. I had become a little angry with God and that was a wave in and of itself. I'd never been angry with Him before, but I wasn't getting my way, and He reminded me that it was His way I needed to follow. I needed to trust in Him. I grasped on to that square, and didn't let go. My Master saved me from these waves. That wave that had hit me early this year has come and gone throughout the year. It's been rough to see it coming but I saw it coming after a couple of times and I prepared myself for it. And I included Heavenly Father in my preparation. I asked for courage to get through it if it happened to hit me again. I asked for strength to make a decision and stick with it. I asked for guidance. I asked for patience. He has been there this whole time. God has been my strength. My light. My square. 

About a month ago, I was insanely busy, staying at work until midnight or later, not getting enough sleep, my social life was out the window, finding time for myself was hard, and without my stress relievers, I get really cranky and sometimes rude. I felt so lost for a couple of weeks. I felt angry at everyone. I was tired and secretly wanted to quit. But, Heavenly Father was blessing me. I had asked earlier that month for more hours since my class had started and I needed those hours that I had now lost. I was also being taught several lessons of patience, kindness, motivation, pro-activeness. God was giving me opportunities to strengthen some of my weaknesses. Even if it was just a little bit. So I posted that first picture with "Just call me undefeated." And once I decided that I was undefeated, I had so much more energy and will to do things.

Sometimes we are wrapped in waves with lightning striking around us, or under dirt in the darkness. But if we search for that light, the Light of Christ, we can find a way out of the darkness. The Master will calm the winds and the waves. And if it seems like He's not calming the storm in front of you, perhaps He's calming the storm within you. There is a line from our Spring Show that says,

 "We will all have some adversity in our lives. Some of it will have the potential to be violent, damaging, and destructive. Some of it may even strain our faith in a loving Heavenly Father who has the power to administer relief on our behalf. But to the prophet Joseph Smith the Lord declared: "all flesh is in mine hands. Be still, and know that I am God." When the storms of life are raging around us and we feel to cry out, "Carest thou not that I perish?" We can rest assured to know that the Lord truly does care whether or not we perish. However, for our good, He may not choose to calm the tempest that rages around us, but rather choose to calm the tempest that rages within us. To us, not the storm, He says: peace, peace be still."

"Peace, peace be still."

My friends, God is always there. He's there when we're sad and full of anguish. He's there when our hearts are so sunken in our chests we can barely feel it beating. He's there, even when we're angry with Him. He's there. He will always remain with us, as long as we let Him in our lives. If we ask Him to calm the tempests, whether they be around us, or in ourselves, He will calm them in His own time. God is good. He loves us. He loves me. He loves you. I know this.

I hope you have a wonderful day wherever you are. Remember that you are amazing. You are worth it. You are a child of God. The Master loves you.